What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get pregnant? Should I just give up on being a mom? These are some of the many questions that I have asked myself after taking countless pregnancy tests and seeing the dreaded BFN (Big Fat Negative) over and over again. Family and friends announced they were expecting and although I was happy for them, I couldn’t help being devastated for me. Jealousy? No, because I didn’t want what they had, I just wanted it for me too, if that makes sense. The hardest thing for me was supporting those who found out they were pregnant and then decided they were going to abort the baby. I, myself, am Pro-choice but for my own personal reasons, listening to them nonchalantly discuss their decision made me want to grab a sign and join the picket line at the clinic. I used to think, if they only knew what it felt like to want something so bad, they would just give me their baby. I would mourn the baby I was never pregnant with and that’s when I had to check myself, before I wrecked myself. I had to let go. 

If you have ever experienced infertility, I want you to know, you are not alone. Per the Center for Disease Control (CDC) “in the United States, among married women aged 15 to 49 years with no prior births, about 1 in 5 (19%) are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying (infertility).” Lucky you. Hearing statistics may not make you feel better. I am writing this to help you cope with the uncertainties and add that you may be down, but not out.

As I reflect on my journey to motherhood, I realize that everyone’s path is completely unique to them. My sister conceived naturally twice, pushed vaginally twice. For my first pregnancy, I didn’t necessarily try to get pregnant for a while, but I had been with my now husband for 4 years with no close calls or anything. I lost weight, took supplements, starting trying then stopped, and finally got pregnant “naturally” after tracking my ovulation, delivering via emergency C-section. My second pregnancy journey was almost 5 years in the making. Ovulation trackers, thermometers, blood testing, supplements, hormones, injections and then inseminated using my husband’s sperm—how romantic—followed by a scheduled c-section. 

I never thought I would be a mother. Adoption wasn’t in the cards for me because I simply couldn’t afford to. I had to finally admit to myself if I couldn’t get pregnant, I would just have to accept it and move on. The pain I felt every time a woman with a swollen belly would walk by me, I felt my soul being chiseled. I realized that I was being so hard on myself and slowly falling into a depression. For self preservation, I had to let go, and let God. I suffered in silence so it was becoming unhealthy for me to dwell on what I didn’t have and embrace what I did have. I was an overall healthy woman and I had a healthy relationship, so it was important to cherish what I had before I let stress wear my body down and that same stress translate to my relationship. 

Stress can do all kinds of things to your body, mind, and spirit. It not only can affect you, but drive a wedge between you and the outside world. I truly think my acceptance on whatever will be, will be, was what led to me being a mother. My first positive pregnancy test came as a complete surprise because I had already dismissed the thought of being pregnant. My second positive pregnancy test also came as a shock but in a different way. We did one round of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination)—when your partners sperm is placed in your uterus after taking hormones to trigger ovulation—and the doctor's plan was to do it twice more before moving to IVF (InVitro Fertilization)—when your partner’s sperm and the egg is fertilized in a lab and then the embryo is implanted in your uterus. My husband and I had discussed it and we had agreed that IVF was not for us because of the cost associated with the procedures— upwards of $15,000 per cycle. For us, it was IUI only or bust. When i went in for all of the pretesting, I went in as a blank slate: no expectations, no emotions. I had to disassociate from reality in order to cope with whatever was going to happen or not happen. I was so uninvolved mentally and emotionally that when I fell ill, I didn't even think they were pregnancy systems. Low and behold, I took a Covid test and tested positive on that Tuesday.  I had already accepted defeat with grace and was prepared for round 2 of IUI. Then the phone rang on Thursday and the voice on the other end said “Congratulations, you’re pregnant!"

Now, as a mom of 2 beautiful brown boys, I am overjoyed. Could i imagine my life now without them? No. But through my experience, life is unpredictable and you cannot control your destiny. So, live, laugh, and love your way through the pain and you never know what will be. To my credit, i shared this same philosophy with an acquaintance, whom i now can call a friend, who is now 6 months pregnant after she and her husband had their own infertility struggles. Sometimes you have to drink the elixir of life to shrink the negativity and grow the love for yourself. 

Written by Micheala