I was never the girl that dreamed about being a mom, or the woman who couldn’t wait to get pregnant. I’ve never even been the one to melt when I see my significant other with a baby. I didn’t want the sacrifice that came with children, honestly. I watched my mother compromise so selflessly over and over again doing her best raise my siblings and me and I didn’t want that for myself. I wanted boozy brunches with friends and 5am spin classes and collapsing in silence after a long day of work. I wanted thrifting on Sundays and DIY projects and a carefully curated aesthetic in my home.

So its surreal to think about the family I’ve built. When I met my now-partner of 6 years, I thought I had successfully friend-zoned him so I didn’t miss a beat that he was newly single and had a young family. Over time, I realized that I was falling head over heels for him (the friend zoning was not successful) but I still didn’t realize impact that would have on my ideas about family. After about a year together, we decided that the love bubble was more than just honeymooning and to give ourselves a real shot we had to join our worlds. I was nervous, because his divorce was extremely contentious and because I never saw myself with children in any capacity. I wasn’t sure about stepping fully in. What if I couldn’t connect with his little boys? What if they connected fine with me but I didn’t like my role? What if I had to give up the things that make me feel like me? I was certain though that I loved him with all my heart and was willing to explore whatever came up to find out if we could make love last.

Before I was introduced to his boys, I met their mother. We met at a Starbucks for about an hour, and she told me about her children and their needs and personalities. I didn’t make any promises except to be attentive, kind and honest. The boys were young enough at the time that they didn’t need any explanations of who I was or why I was there with Dad. I was just another set of helping hands with a 3 year old and an infant who were learning to navigate the world.

Over the last 5 years trust has grown, love has blossomed and I now have fantastic relationships with both boys. Their mom and I don’t have a relationship as the communication between bio parents continues to be high conflict. Dad and I live together and the kids are with us part time. I make lunches and dinners and stay up soothing coughs or bad dreams. We have pickup schedules and sports-equipment lists and trade off who gets to hang with the giggling boys in mountains of bubbles at bathtime. We fall asleep in giant cuddle puddles watching movies after long beach days of chasing waves and hunting precious seaglass.

It hasn’t been an easy road. There has been sacrifice (so much sacrifice!!), I’ve been challenged, my partnership has been challenged. My friends struggle to understand what I go though and why I choose to go through it. Some friendships have ended over difference of opinion on how I should move forward. Its isolating and lonely and I’ve never felt so much judgement. I’ve been the primary breadwinner in our home because of the cost of the legal back and forth between bio parents. I’ve had to comfort wailing babes that hold my whole heart while they cry for their BioMom. there have been screaming matches and sleepless nights. I’ve held a grown man while he sobs over missing his children and the frustration of a 7 year ongoing custody battle. I’ve wept myself raw over life-long dreams I’ve put to the back burner so the sweetest 2 boys can have everything they deserve. 

But my heart booms just as much as it breaks. I’ll never forget the first scraped knee on the playground where arms stretched out looking for me, or the first time we had a big snuggle as a family and the little one fell asleep on my chest. My heart explodes every other weekend when our 8YO asks for his thousand kisses before bedtime and my favorite part of Friday nights has become making our favorite banana muffin recipe - We sing at the top of our lungs and dance all around the kitchen. My Christmas magic this year was the little one asking to stay up late to snuggle together by the Christmas tree. 

All that to say - Its all worth it, every single second. I have the most beautiful (if not traditional) family and have learned so much about what life can be with kids. When Micheala asked me to write for her blog, it was an easy yes. I’m so excited to share my most impactful moments from this roller coaster we call motherhood. Its my hope to help other bonus moms feel less alone, and to open others eyes to the sacrifice and joy of giving your heart away by choice 🤍

Written by Peaches